15 tips for parenting a teenager and having a good relationship
15 tips for parenting a teenager and having a good relationship
Ugh, my teen daughter is so grumpy all the time! I can hardly stand to be around her…there is just no pleasing her anymore… and my son has become rude, aggressive and quite frankly, his gross puberty smells are terrible to be around.
Teenagers don’t get enough credit. Those years between our adoring children and appreciative adults are plagued with moodiness, tantrums, and rebellion. And that is just on our end! 🙂
You know what we seldom overhear in the grocery lines, or when our friends call to tell us about their teens? This stage is AWESOME! While there were times where I barely felt like I was going to survive the teen years…those were moments. Events. Situations.
Overall, there was so much to enjoy about this unique age range…when our children test boundaries and decide who they are and what they believe. It doesn’t have to be something to dread!
Let’s talk through some practical ideas to embrace the teen years, and how to fight back against the real enemy. (Hint, it isn’t them)
Practical advice on parenting your teenager
Love who they “are” not who you thought they’d be– Ouch, I know. Mamas, we come into parenting with such high expectations. We invest all of our ourselves and when our kids aren’t what we expected–it can be very painful. It helps to study and get to know who they are, and find the special characteristics that we might miss if we focus on what they aren’t. (BTW perhaps what they aren’t is something to celebrate more often?) Our expectations are not our kid’s burdens to carry (for things like sports prowess or academic excellence)
Find a focus song– This idea is two-fold. If you are going through a fight for your teen’s very safety, find a song like Break Every Chain by Jesus Culture. Play it often and sing it loud to remind you of truth. Second, find a song you and your teen can enjoy together. One to be silly and sing loudly and laugh together over. Kids can be delighted and surprised when their suddenly “uncool” mom knows a song they like.
Study every verse of an issue– Kids can get caught up in some dangerous and/or controversial situations. Don’t be a bystander, prepare to fight. God’s word is a weapon against our fears. (Here are suggestions by Melanie Redd on praying for teens)
Stand strong when they think your ideas are antiquated– Mamas, we really want to be our kid’s friends but we aren’t until they are adults. We can do all the things friends do…but they NEED us to be their compass as they are learning. Being the cool mom, if you look around, doesn’t always pay off for kids. We need to stay strong, and it IS hard when we are teaching our kids. Especially in today’s world where conflicting values are everywhere. You have the right and responsibility to be firm in what your family values are. Kids care more than you know yet. My girls and I had tons of fun, BUT they knew where the line was.
Set a balance of being there for them AND showing what it looks like to invest in yourself- If there was one thing I wish I’d done better, it would be to model self-care in a guilt-free way. Living with chronic illness forced me to have to push harder than I was able. to do without consequences. How much better would it be to teach our teens that work is good AND so is rest?
Find a hobby and stop helicoptering- Yikes, are you still with me? Please, hang in there another minute while I explain. This one is hard to hear. In fact, we find a zillion reasons why a hobby simply isn’t possible at this time of life. BUT, it is vital to teach our teens that hobbies are important. For all seasons. No one likes to feel smothered, right? Teens are especially resistant. They want to feel trusted. Give them a chance while showing them how much fun you can have too! That you are a multifaceted woman who explores interests. Being on the other side now in an empty nest, I can tell you that I see many mothers crushed by their kids growing up…that never pursued an interest outside of their children’s. Set a foundation of growth for yourself and your future…AND let your kids show you they are capable.
Laugh with them, even at your own expense– Let ‘s lighten up. Our family laughed a lot. we are jokesters. And that was important to have because there were some really, really hard times we went through with our teens. That laughter was imperative to keep reminding us that the sun still rises. That we are not the sum of our choices. That humor lightens loads and eases suffering. It is a gift. Be silly, it is a wonderful piece of parenting. Even with, and especially perhaps with teens.
Know who their friends are and open your door to them – Here is a non-negotiable. I was surprised when my teens told me how few of their friend’s parents knew who they hung out with. They just assumed “kids will be kids” and paid heavy prices for that assumption. We worked to know who our kids found interesting, and why. One thing our kids appreciated…our door was always open to their friends. We offered to host anything we could for two reasons. One, to get to know the kid’s friends. Two, to be part of the memory making! To have the chance to be a positive influence in the lives of kids that don’t have that at home. I have one daughter whose friends especially felt comfortable having a place where they were “seen”.
Why is it hard to parent a teenager?
Sometimes, it is because we feel just over our heads. Their interests, cultures, moods, and challenges. You can still be the parent, clearly, and allow the softness of a friend’s care as well. Not either/or.
Invest in play time, not outside activities per se, but just games or whatever– Family time matters, still. Our kids told us stories that made them sad…of friends whose parents assumed they didn’t want to hang out with them…and gave them lots of space. The thing is, the teens didn’t truly want that much time alone. They wanted to feel the safety of the family culture. And play time just allows more laughter, less seriousness into parenting. We really need that with teens, because it can be exhausting, for real. Fun time restores us and helps us see “them” again.
Be a student of their “culture”- Whatever your teens are interested in, take the time to explore it without judgment. Even when we think it is weird. This can be a chance to peek into their lives with their guard down. I don’t mean as a sleuth, once they are in trouble… I mean as a genuine offering of interest before the troubles happen. This builds trust and communication.
When they make mistakes, and they will, help them learn from them, don’t just save them- This is tough to live out. Even the most obedient child will make choices that they aren’t proud of. That you aren’t proud of. Don’t bail them out all the time...they really need to learn from their mistakes. You are the one who knows which events really need your help vs. which can be life lessons. Talk them through their choices and they will carry those lessons through life.
Don’t beat yourselves up when they do something sneaky or disappointing behind your back- This might be the hardest one. it is not exclusive to us, nor an indicator of parenting failure. it means they are human, and influenced, and trying to figure things out without you. Oh, mamas, this can really hurt and break your heart. But listen to me please, you can’t carry the lifelong burden of a choice you could never have prevented. The best parents still have kids that make mistakes. Because we are all imperfect. So flawed and yet… but our lives are hope. God brings beauty from ashes. I am a living example. I hurt my own parents terribly as a teen, and here I am encouraging you today. You are doing so much more good than you know, my tired and hurting friends.
Parenting a teenager requires rules and also flexibility
Be strict, but flexible- Rules are healthy. So is flexibility. Don’t alter your core family values, but choose the battles. A wise friend once advised me as I lamented, “Do you want to die on that hill?”. She was telling me firmly but gently to let go of the small battles and save my energy for the big ones.
Extend grace upon grace, but not pass upon pass- Lastly, when parenting teens give them lots of grace for their outbursts and crappy behavior. Even if it just you alone in your room giving it in your heart. Grace doesn’t mean a free pass though… expect them to offer it to you…and to treat you with respect or face consequences. Grace means we forgive but it doesn’t mean we are doormats. Boundaries are important.
Teach kids to give respect and give it to them in return- The quickest way to turn your kids off from respecting you is to demand it without ever giving any in return. Yes, we have the right to expect respect. But remember, this foundation needs to be set when they are young, not suddenly as teens. that just builds resentment. And we, parents, need to respect them also in the ways that are important to them…as long as they prove trustworthy. Then we can still respect them without attitudes even if consequences dictate actions the kids resent.
Parenting teenage kids can be a very special season
The truth is, parents probably will heave a huge sigh of relief once the teen years have passed.
Growing humans DO get moody, talk back, challenge authority, and yes…need to learn better body hygiene. They DO make mistakes, sometimes choose bad friends, and face major consequences for their actions.
You know what else? Parenting teens can be one of the best seasons of your life! They can be funny, witty, thoughtful, caring, service orientated, passionate about change, creative and kind.
Teens and parents CAN have a wonderful relationship…don’t believe the hype that it simply will be miserable.
That is a lie straight from the pit. Teens will rise to the expectations we have for them. The road might be bumpy, but it is paved with so many wonderful detours if we open our eyes are willing to pull over and embrace them.
Parenting a teenager can be fun! Don’t believe the negativity that it will only suck
When we walk alongside our teens as they grow into full adulthood, with the intention of that end goal in mind, we can 100% embrace the teen years. And we will grow right along with them, into better versions of ourselves.
It is great fun to see these children emerge into their junior adult selves. To encourage and observe their passions. To be their trusted guide. Will they always appreciate you? Unlikely. And yes, that part stinks…
However, this season can be filled with the same love and laughter and life that it always has been.
God bless you mamas, this is a season of “mixed”. But it is yet a season to celebrate ♥. If this piece has encouraged you, please take a moment to share!
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Indeed it is! The preteen years are the BEST time to start firming up these foundations. You are in for an amazing adventure, God bless you and your family
Great reminders for all moms out there! I’m in the early teen years and it is hard to be a parent! Thanks for the encouragement!
Indeed it is! The preteen years are the BEST time to start firming up these foundations. You are in for an amazing adventure, God bless you and your family
Understanding their culture is huge..thank you for these reminders. Sharing with our Living Our Priorities Community.
Hi Timberly, thank you so much for sharing! I apprecaite that