Hope for different love languages (and 5 meaningful ways to express them)

Hope for different love languages

“Nothing has more potential for strengthening one’s sense of well-being than effectively loving and being loved.”
― Gary Chapman

Fairy tales and Hollywood movies are poor educational mediums for teaching us what true romance is. It tells us that love is natural and easy. That we all will be loved by someone who knows us inside and out without any effort.

That love is the reward where the girl gets carried away by the most thoughtful (and handsome) man ever.

If you grew up with those stories, then you might be like me. A recovering hopeless romantic.

Love used to mean a lot of things that set me up for failure. Because it set the standard for unrealistic expectations and confusion when everything didn’t just turn out okay, like the movies. When Prince Charming turned out to be very human indeed, and that I was seldom as gracious and charismatic as a fairy tale princess.

Love language compatibility

In real relationships, we are thrust into scenarios that look much more like 2 people battling it out for their own desires. For their own perceived perfect endings.

In real relationships, we actually have to invest in building that love story.

We all want to be loved, it is a basic human desire that is normal and deeply ingrained into our being.

And while romance is a beautiful thing, it isn’t the only thing that makes a relationship a love story for the books.

What are the love languages?

Gary Chapman authored the wildly successful book, The 5 Love Languages. In it, he profiles the importance and expression of each of the ways we perceive and give love:

- Words of Affirmation
- Acts of Service
- Receiving Gifts
- Quality Time
- Physical Touch

(You can take the Love Language quiz here)

Different love languages can feel frustrating in a relationship. However, these can be powerful to understand, take a few minutes to reflect on the ways YOU feel most loved. Is it through kind, tender words?

Do you feel valued when someone does a task to lighten your load? Is the surprise of a gift, knowing that someone thought of you, what makes you feel treasured?

Perhaps spending time that restores your spirit and creates new memories is the way to your heart. Or, being near someone and enjoying the connection of touch makes your heart race.

Once you have figured out your primary way to receive love, you might not be surprised to find out that it is also a telltale sign for how you offer love. If you are in a relationship, it is helpful to try and understand the love language of your partner.

Is it totally different than your own? How then, do we come to an understanding of each other and feel loved when we seem to be speaking opposite languages?

Are there incompatible love languages?

Incompatible love languages gets a lot of hype, but is it true? Are we incapable of adjusting our needs and our partner’s, or choosing not to try?

Sometimes, this might be the case, but often, with a mindset shift, we can make powerful strides towards a stronger relationship!

For example, here are 5 ways we can express love languages (and learn to go outside “our” comfort zone):

- Words of affirmation- acknowledge positive efforts when your partner makes, even when imperfect
- Acts of service- choose to give of yourself by taking on a task they’ll appreciate. Even when it is not convenient
- Receiving gifts- bring home a random object they’ll love. Because it is something you’d have to know them well to understand. Not because it has worldy value
- Quality time- do activities that your partner enjoys…but you don’t. Just because
- Physical touch- focus on the other gift when your partner is just too tired, stressed, or not catching the hints/cues to be affectionate.

Remember, when our husband has a different love language, things can sometimes simply get lost in translation.

Not purposely withheld. Extending grace builds bridges instead of walls.

Finding contentment when love languages are opposite

In my own marriage, my husband definitely appreciates acts of service. When I, who loves words, spend time verbalizing how much I adore him…how handsome I find him…etc., he “likes” it alright, but it really doesn’t hold much meaning for him in a way that offers value.

If he comes home from a hard day and finds a chore is taken off his plate? That I made time to have dinner for him? Those things make him feel treasured.

He knows that I see his needs and care about meeting them. Conversely, I wish desperately that he would gush on how much he loves me, finds me attractive, etc.

Nope, never happens. He isn’t wired to be a man of many words and struggles to find a way to understand how to give me a gift he doesn’t have to offer.

Friends, that is INTEGRAL to understand when we want to find contentment in our relationships. It isn’t that he is withholding words from me on purpose (it took decades to figure this out, sadly).

He simply can’t offer me what he doesn’t value with sincerity.

Here is the important part- what he DOES do is offer me endless, truly endless acts of selfless service.

Giving his time and energy to me is the most important thing to him, and he demonstrates love every day without complaint by offering me these gifts. The ones he can relate to.

How do you appreciate your partner’s love language?

So, how do we find peace when our love languages don’t seem compatible? First, don’t be deceived by the lie that says if we don’t receive the exact type of love we think we “need”, walk away. There is so much more to consider!

Are we treated with respect, dignity, kindness, and faithfulness? That is what we all want and should be given. I humbly suggest, that if we have those core foundations, we can look deeper to embrace the love that isn’t our language.

Fight the urge to be disappointed and dissatisfied. Don’t take it personally, just as we don’t want our partner to be constantly let down by our inability to read their needs and meet them all the time.

Instead, we can look for the gifts that come from what we are offered, and resist complaining about the ones we aren’t. But let’s also talk about when that feels really hard…

(click here for free printable of the graphic above)

Acts of service love language

Those acts of service my husband offers? It turns out, all those years ago, we couldn’t have imagined that what I needed would be different from what I wanted.

We didn’t foresee the 22 years of chronic and persistent illness that would plague me, therefore our marriage.

His precious acts, because I learned to see them as his love offerings are invaluable to me.

Without thought, he catches my falls and jumps in front of every danger. I don’t always need what I think I want, words. Actions speak their own love language.

When I can’t, which if often, he can…and does…fill in the gaps. Because his language is a benefit that God knew his wife would really need.

My language offerings to him are a powerful anchor that reminds him that a wife is a gift from the Lord.

Having a good marriage with different love languages

Our marriage is strong and precious because we try to give each other what our favorite love languages are sometimes, but are ok when that doesn’t happen. The love language we both speak has evolved with time, and that is the joy of a long marriage.

A unique story is written in the language spoken by only the two who live it out. In the choice to not live disappointed, but grateful.

Do we have it down all the time? Not. even.close. But we keep working at it. You might be wondering if the longings ever go away,… truthfully, for me they don’t.

I sometimes still struggle with wanting what I don’t get, and so does he. But those are moments.

They pass because we make an effort to celebrate the incredible opportunities right in front of us, instead of wishing for something else. Because we know God designed marriage to grow us, and we’ve seen the joy of pushing through.

“A good marriage is one which allows for change and growth in the individuals and in the way they express their love.” – Pearl S. Buck

Different love languages might not meet your needs 100%

We have different love languages. He doesn’t, and can’t meet all my needs, and I can’t meet his. The healing comes when we stop expecting that impossible ask.

Incredible gifts of marriage are often hidden in the places we forget to look. In the sweet whisperings of touch, service, gifts, words and time.

I’d follow this man anywhere because his language always equals love. And that is something we both speak♥.

1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins

John 15:12: “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.”

Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love

P.S. While I am clearly a big advocate for working out your marriage (I’ve seen amazing turnaround on the impossible-seeming situation!) that doesn’t mean this advice applies to ALL marriages. If you are married to someone who abuses you, whether physically, psychologically, or emotionally? Get help, and if you need to, please get out for your safety ♥