6 suggestions to make friends as an adult

We are made for community and relationship. So why do so many adults have difficulty making good friends?

Christina Hubbard wrote a deep, transparent post about longing for new friends after a move, called The Strange Gift Of Not Yet.

People desire to be more than acquaintances. We all want deep friends, the kind we can call in the middle of the night, the kind who love us with all of our ugly showing. The kind who show us their flaws, and yet our bond still grows stronger.

Since we want that, too many people are feeling a disconnect. Let’s have some real talk today about adult friendships.

Here are a few of the challenges women have shared with me (and a few I’ve handled myself!) Then, some suggestions to help us be a friend, not just friendly.

Why is it hard to make friends when you’re older?

Established friend groups- How about we just get the hardest one out of the way? It is easy to get comfortable with our social circles. We might like the familiarity and not want to change a good thing. Maybe it feels like a hassle to bring someone new into the mix.

As hard as it might be for us, consider how intimidating it is to the new person in the neighborhood. It takes a tremendous amount of courage and vulnerability to be the one who is looking to be welcomed into a friendship.

If you are the established friend, give the new one a chance to say hello to the people you already know are awesome! If you are the newbie, don’t give up. Seek out experiences that will introduce you to other people that might be needing new community also.

Are we available to make new friends?

Too busy- It takes work to go against the flow of “schedules”. A cautionary note- it is easy to be so “busy” we walk through life with blinders on, missing the needs of those around us.

Let’s try to be more flexible. If we are too rushed and overwhelmed to rest in a relationship, maybe (no rotten tomatoes please), we are missing the best. The interactions that restore us and build us up. The opportunity to minister to those around us who are desperate to be seen. We can choose to live a slower pace, our kids might thank us for the boundaries too.

Perhaps next week, if you are the busy one? See if you can block a small time out for the unexpected gift of friendship. If you are the one who wants to be friends with said “busy” person? Choose patience to wait out their season. Or, shift focus to those who have a mutual desire to create friendship.

See if you can block a small time out for the unexpected gift of friendship. If you are the one who wants to be friends with said “busy” person? Choose patience to wait out their season. Or, shift focus to those who have a mutual desire to create friendship.

But what if our relationships cross over?

Sticky situations with the parents of your kid’s friends- We often make friends through adults we meet because of our children. That is such a gift! Until we have some sort of issue between the kids. Or a defensive nature regarding our child with the other parent (our friend).

Whew, this is a tricky one. We can make wonderful friendships with other adults through our kids because we share a common interest. Unfortunately, it can be very awkward then interconnected relationships go sour. If you have these built in opportunities, relish them!

Make every attempt to safeguard the adult (emotional) relationship from the children’s. Sadly, very sadly, sometimes it doesn’t work out to avoid conflict. If it requires exiting the friendship for any reason, make every effort to leave on as good of terms as possible. We are setting examples for our own kids. They watch to see how we handle things. Perhaps in the future, as the dust settles, conversation and peace can come again.

But what about our feelings?

Misinterpretation- We already tried, many times to be friends with that lady. We feel rejected and build up walls, isolating ourselves from being hurt further. We don’t consider that she might be going through something difficult and that a smile is all she has to offer. How often we sabotage ourselves with perceived insult.

We have a few choices in this situation. We can choose to retreat and look elsewhere for friendship. Or, we can inquire with gentleness into their life. Offering help and a hug if needed. We might be their gift of friendship.

Taking without giving- Some friends aren’t friends at all. (Sometimes, it can be us!) They drain us dry emotionally, without offering anything in return. Their problems consume them and they are unwilling, or unable to ever ask about our lives.

Do some damage control. A hard introspective assessment might show that this friend is just selfish. Period. ( I really hate to say that!) But, it might also show that they are completely unaware how their conversation comes off. Attempt to have a humble conversation about this, expressing your hurt. If they can’t listen with their own humility, that will reveal much about their interest in your friendship.

Being needy- It is challenging to be friends with an insecure person. The ones who get jealous when you are with someone else, who question you about your other friendships. If someone is hanging onto you for dear life, try and figure out the “whys”.

Perhaps they never have known a friend to be loyal and there is something that feels “safe” with us. Or, they might just be the sort to leech and complain. Unfortunately, there are friends like that.

Can you give them the benefit of the doubt, while letting them know you are a free agent in the friend field? That doesn’t mean you can’t be a loyal friend, assure them, but those true friends don’t need to hold on so tightly.

Be a friend, not just friendly.

Not all friendships are forever

Please remember, just because I share things on this blog? Never forget that I am so very human, also learning from mistakes and growing right along with you.

Friendship sometimes takes a backseat to marriage, or children, or work, or health problems, or other life circumstances. That is a reality. It is worth investing in, whenever we can.

A loyal companion helps us stay standing in the struggle, and will share our joy in triumph.

And when some budding relationships don’t work out? It is okay, really. Not every hello will turn into a friendship. We are not all meant to be dear friends, but we can always be kind and open.