Conflict in a relationship – 5 tips for when you just can’t agree

Conflict in a relationship – 5 tips for when you just can’t agree

Conflict in a relationship sucks. There are times in a marriage when no amount of talking, pleading, arguing, fighting, cajoling or any other type of frustrated exchange will bring about commonality on issues. You and your spouse just can’t agree.

After 30 years together, I’ve learned a thing or a hundred about this. Most of it, the hard way.

The cruddy truth is, sometimes we simply are NOT going to come to agreements on what is important to us. It feels lousy and is super irksome.

What are examples of conflict in a relationship?

The causes for conflict are impossible to count, but they almost all boil down to perspective. Ours vs. theirs.

• We might dig in our heels, but that gets us nowhere fast (with any sincerity from the other party anyway)
• We might give a cold shoulder, not even intentionally, but just trying to keep things from escalating  (but doesn’t that really come across as just pouting?)
• We might try again and again to plead our case (and get more frustrated as their wall of resistance builds)

How can I stop clashing with my husband?

Conflict in marriage is inevitable. As hard as this is to say, and even harder to live out, even if we are right in conflict…it won’t always matter.

It won’t change hearts.

If we want to increase the likelihood of resolution, it needs to start with us. No matter who is wrong or right. Because really, has being right really made anything better in the long run?

There isn’t room for right- fighting in marriage. It almost always ends badly.

You can’t maintain intimacy and harbor resentment at the same time. It is a divided heart. Bitterness divides where closeness conquers.

Psalm 34:14b  Search for peace, and work to maintain it

How do you diffuse conflict in marriage?

This is where we really have to just lay down our agenda, and it isn’t easy. But I promise you, this is where peace will begin to be found.

Psalms 34:14 Turn away from evil and do good. Search for peace, and work to maintain it.

What seems pretty simple in our daily lives becomes much harder when we are dealing with the ones closest to us. Yet, it is still and always worth it.

“Conflict cannot survive without your participation.” – Wayne Dyer

5 ways to resolve conflict in marriage:

Stop trying to change their mind, even if they are wrong- We are never going to convince them. We would do well to remember that we too sometimes dig in our heels pretty deep (and  WE might be wrong!). Stepping back will help us remember this important truth and let our guard down

Pray more and argue less– If we truly are not seeing things the same, it is time for our best defense. God. He is the only one who can change our hearts after all, on both sides. Determine to pray and bring our issues to Him, not him

Accept what might be a consequence– A heavy reality is that sometimes our choices have consequences that affect both sides. And we AND our spouse both have ownership in this. Carrying on with our debates sometimes make things worse, and crush any spirit of hope that otherwise might change with our support. If we have to live with a tough thing we don’t agree with,  (no tomato throwing, please) SOMETIMES we need to remember there is a lesson to be learned here. On either side of the argument. It stinks but beautiful things can, and do, come out of the fire. When unsure about this area? Pray hard and ask God to help with understanding and surrender

Respect your partner– This is a choice. No matter how impossible it seems, we maintain our integrity when we choose to honor our spouse

Do our own part– When we can’t agree, purpose to simply make the changes we are capable of. That is our responsibility and one that we can always feel confident about choosing. Part of peace is letting go of what we can’t control or change, and concentrating on what we can

How to resolve conflict in marriage biblically

If you are a Christian, Scripture is remarkably clear about resolving conflict- but that doesn’t make it easy! It does however guide us towards peaceful living with our partner. That is our goal, right?

Not all issues are going to be resolved immediately. But these steps will help bring comfort to US too!  These verses, over the years, have drastically improved our forgiveness speed…

Resolving conflict in relationships is possible

Relationships change as we move forward in marriage. I don’t know a single couple who doesn’t have some area of contention. Not one. We go through seasons of harmony…and seasons of storms.

That is so normal ladies!

Whatever the particular area is that seems like a thorn in your relational side…refuse to let it control your point of view. Conflict is not the sum of all parts. It is a piece.

Choose a truce and fight hard to not allow bitterness to take root. Change comes when we are willing to change ourselves. The rest?

It is God’s job, so let’s release and reconcile.

P.S. While I am clearly a big advocate for working out your marriage (I’ve seen amazing turnaround on the impossible-seeming situation!)  that doesn’t mean this advice applies to ALL marriages.  If you are married to someone who abuses you, whether physically, psychologically, or emotionally? Get help, and if you need to, please  get out for your safety ♥

Great resources on reducing conflict in marriage:

• What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions 
• The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective
• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage 
• To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother 
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