During an intimate conversation with a friend, we discussed telling our husbands what we need from them (be it sex, emotional intimacy, etc.)

She advised me to tell my husband exactly what I desire. After decades you’d think this would be obvious, and in some ways it is.

I have told him what I want, unsuccessfully. I have demanded that he change to fill my needs, without fruit.

I have cried over what he refuses to give me emotionally, leaving me feeling alone.

Signs of emotional walls

Did I fault my husband? To be painfully honest, sometimes, yes.

After all, I reasoned, I have worked very hard to learn to meet him at the intersection of what I think he needs versus what he truly asking for.

Why would he not do the same? Then I felt the truth grip my heart.

He had tried.

It shook my soul and left me stunned to realize this profound truth.

What if? What if my own personal hang-ups have been the very barrier that keeps these emotional prizes from my grasp? What if I have created the walls I am asking him to climb over?

Deep emotional chasms dwell in us. We expect people to fill these voids; bitter when they fail.

My lack of understanding had likely built up my wall, brick by impenetrable brick.

Examples of emotional walls

My husband and I have a strong marriage; that doesn’t protect us from problems that arise over time.

I have one yawning pit of desperation, a need to connect in a realm outside of humanity.

Only God can fill this need, but I put the pressure on my husband to try and heal me.

Asking for things that he can’t deliver, sometimes being blind to the loving attempts he made to try.

No more. The chains are loosening and the kind of intimacy I desire is in my sight.

May God bless my husband for seeing so much more of me than this. He thinks I am wonderful, and I will learn to agree as I rest in God’s presence.

This is difficult to share with readers I don’t know, for anyone to see.

God heals emotional walls

I can count at least a handful of women, with no effort, who have been carrying physical and emotional secrets around their whole lives. This has directed and destructed their intimate lives.

Pain can be so deep that we don’t even know it is there, yet our actions reflect it eventually. But, we don’t have to live with this.  Be encouraged!

Now glory be to God, who by His mighty power at work within us is able to do far more than we would ever dare to ask or even dream of — infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, or hopes. Ephesians 3: 20

God promises to do more than we could even dream of. This includes intimacy with your spouse.

Your situation may or may not change, but the guarantee is that your heart definitely will. This usually leads to excellent chances of our situation turning as well.

How to break down emotional walls

We have nothing to lose by humbling ourselves and letting our partners have insight into our needs:

• If it doesn’t work at first, this is where humility can really shine. Practice it
• Pray consistently
• Seek the Godly counsel of trusted friends
• Here is where we sometimes drop the ball, wait…and listen to His response

Intimacy is a difficult issue.

Taking two people from differing backgrounds, with expectations that they somehow know how to connect on the deepest levels possible? That takes time and a bit of effort.

Humility breaks down emotional walls in marriage

The longer I am married, the more I see that there are walls surrounding my heart that I had no idea were there.

Surely I had given complete access to my husband!

No, intimacy building is a full-time lifelong commitment. Things consistently try to pop up and invade that bond between a man and wife.

These verses offer excellent guidance when we are unsure where to go from “here”.

1 Peter 5: 6-7, “If you will humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, in His good time He will lift you up. Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you” 

Galatians 6:9 encourages us, “Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.”

The harvest of true intimacy is worth our diligently sowing the healthy seeds of relationship.

Therefore, do not grow weary, don’t give up.

Jesus, the great lover of our souls, is walking right beside us. With each step we take.

Your turn. Does this message ring true for you? Please share in the comments below and pass this on to a friend. Blessings to you!

Great resources on marriage:

• What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions 
• The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective
• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage 
• To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother 
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