Feeling lonely? 5 ways to break out of the funk

Friend 1 is the life of every party. She is constantly on the go, very busy, and seems to be the popular person in town! Loved by everyone, and for good reason. She is an amazing and beautiful person. In the nights though, she has endured the deepest heartache of losing her husband. She knows loneliness.

Friend 2 lives alone. While she once was married, she has long been divorced and feels the loneliness of being single in a world of marrieds. Keeping busy, she is fun and cheery and a loyal friend! Volunteering and serving keep her busy after work. In the night though, she would love a partner. She knows loneliness.

Friend 3 is outgoing, optimistic and a joy to be around. She tries to be all the things to all the people with needs in her life, at the expense of her own peace. Her marriage suffers privately causing her deep pain that she doesn’t share with people, ashamed. But on the outside, she smiles and says all is well. She knows loneliness.

You’ve likely known loneliness too.

Either in the past or perhaps in your current season. It is a hard battle to endure, isn’t it? And usually, we endure it in silence.

People don’t talk about feeling lonely. Fear keeps them isolated in it, embarrassment (over something they should NOT feel that way about) makes the situation worse.

What are some signs of loneliness?

Have you said these things to yourself? They can be red flags of negative self-talk that can be the quicksand of resistance to building stronger community- stop saying them to yourself!

Please!

Everyone else seems to be so happy and busy.
There must be something wrong with me.
Maybe people don’t really like me?
I don’t want to sound needy.
Jeesh, am I a loser that I can’t build community?
If people knew how I really felt they’d be scared away.

There is something you need to know, immediately. Literally everyone I know has felt isolated. Everyone. Including me.

You are not alone in these feelings! In fact, people long for community. It is how we are designed. Sure, we all have different need thresholds, etc. However, all people benefit from feeling connected.

What should I do if I feel lonely?

Loneliness is a valid and true feeling, but feelings are NOT a good indicator of what is true. They are fickle.

They whisper that you are the main problem. Puh-leeze. More likely, you don’t have the tools to know how to change what is lacking.

Have you said, “oh I am fine” when you aren’t? It seems to be the go-to for women. Yet, people don’t know you are hurting if you don’t tell them.

The hard truth is that people can’t read your mind. If the people you are hoping to find connection with are busy? That doesn’t mean they don’t like you.

They more likely are legit overstretched themselves. Extend grace and pick someone else. Don’t assume things you don’t know to be true…assume the best and keep going!

Is it normal to feel lonely?

Friend 4 is loving and fun and authentic. Her heart’s desire is to serve more, build up a community that encourages others, and to create works of art that bring smiles. She is full of ideas, dreams, and plans that seem to get pushed to the back burner for reasons beyond her control. She loves deeply and is loved in return.

Yet, she lives in what sometimes feels like a prison of her own body. Unable to join in the community she so misses. She knows loneliness too.

That friend is me.

I want to be transparent here— because we all look at each other and think that no one feels like we do! But listen to me…everyone, all the people, every-body feels alone at times.

It is nothing to be embarrassed about. And also, nothing to accept as permanent!

Loneliness- solitude, alienation, seclusion, isolation

You are just what someone needs

Listen, I am blessed with friends and family I love. And for the last few years, I feel like the crappiest friend. Because I am just trying to make it health-wise.

I drop the ball and have wonderful intentions, even on the calendar, to call and reach out to the people I love. Then, morning comes and the body ultimately dictates the level of interaction I can handle for the day.

Chronic illness is the most isolating thing that has ever happened to me.

It is hard, people. I get it.

To be so honest, it scares me to share this so publicly (but I am doing it because I want you know you are not alone). I am a people person, and am missing the routine of regular physical interactions.

High-maintenance friendships aren’t for me. It really is enough to catch up where we left off! No guilt.

Even in that comfort though, I long for connections in a ordinary, planned way. But the hard truth is that I don’t have the energy currently to maintain my desires.

Ugh, I hate saying that, and pray it will change. Because feeling like you let people down all the time (my words, never theirs) and having no power to change it…all while longing to be around people MORE?

It’s bizarre. It sucks.

Remember, the reason behind feelings isn’t as important as the knowledge that you can change it!

5 tips when you are feeling lonely

Spend some time reflecting on exactly what you are missing. This part is so important, often it isn’t what you think! Spending time with the Lord and asking for clarity is a powerful conversation. Write it down
People can’t read your mind. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable! Once you know what you need, share that with someone. Take a chance and trust them, even if it is scary
Don’t take things personally. People all, literally all, have things going on in their lives and hearts we don’t see. Please, if you reach out and someone is busy or unresponsive, give them the benefit of the doubt
Not all people are able to share your season, but someone is. A hard lesson sometimes for lonely people is to understand that you might have a person or group in mind you’d love to be part of. They might REALLY enjoy your company but not have the bandwidth in their current season. That is ok! Wish them well and try again. You can’t give up…which leads me to the last idea…
You find community, it seldom finds you. Pick one area that you’d like to grow your community in and focus on just that one thing to start. If you are new to a community, read this post about making friends in a new place. If you are trying to establish more authentic friendship, check this out. It will come! Maybe not on your timeline or imagined scenario, but in a new and exciting way you didn’t see coming! But this can’t happen if you don’t keep getting out there and just being you ♥

Don’t allow self-pity to come from loneliness

Practicing what I preach means I spent time reflecting on what I would like to add. Here is an example to get you started…

For me, that looks like more time in artistic community and finding (or creating) a writing group
It means accepting with grace what I can’t change and continuing to embrace life each day with joy. Whether it holds my “plans” or something different

What is means most of all? Celebrating what we have instead of focusing on what we don’t!

I have an amazing family who I get to see regularly, the joy of my life and worth every ounce of all I have.

Start where are my friends, and look around. BE the person to someone that you feel you need yourself! Generosity of spirit is a great antidote to loneliness.

Because let’s be honest, loneliness can slip from a valid point of view to a pity party super quick!

Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you-Lao Tzu

Feeling lonely as a Christian woman

If you are a person of faith, remember that the devil prowls around like a lion looking to kill, steal and destroy. He knows all of your weak spots and won’t waste time helping you feel worse.

Clever strategy, right? Hit you where you where you hurt, and keep you from living life with joy. Ugh. Jerk.

YOU are a treasure, yes you. The world needs just what you have to offer!

Deutonomy 31:8- “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

Re-engage with your community, or take a leap and build one from scratch with people who share your interests.

Have realistic ideals and extend grace to all you meet. Put yourself out there, and if it flops, start over.

That doesn’t mean it is a personal failure! Just not a match…move on with confidence girlfriend.

God created you for a unique purpose. Loneliness is a hard thing to go through, but hopefully, today is the day you decide to leave it behind and take a step.

One step will lead to another until your heart is full.

Don’t idealize what isn’t… celebrate what IS. Things can change. They always do ♥.