How to comfort someone who is hurting

Words…so much impact wrapped up in a string of sounds.

Years ago, when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, an onslaught of unhelpful advice and awkward emotional platitudes were offered to me. I began to make a list of things not to say to someone who is hurting.

Ugh, good intent, wrong delivery.

Currently, my heart is grieving deeply as my baby grandson moves from our neighborly hands-on lifestyle, and far away into long-distance grandparenting.

People don’t know what to say to the grieving, Instead of letting people express their feelings, our own discomfort makes us bumble around.

It isn’t intentional or unkind. Seldom are we offered a useful framework of training to comfort others.

We want to be helpful…but in our efforts? If we don’t let the feelings be what they are, we miss the mark.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

Time for us to grow in friendship skills and gather some gentle, appropriate tips! These things became astoundingly important when my friend suddenly lost her beloved husband.

I remember floundering, mortified of saying the wrong things. Surely I did, but one thing she told me I did right? Letting her talk about the real parts. Not the comfortable (for me) parts.

She said very few people allowed her to just “feeL’ without trying to “fix”.

What to avoid saying to someone who is hurting

In our desire to help people feel better, to help solve their problems, we cheat them of the opportunity to really express what is on their heart.

These 8 things not to say to someone who is hurting, are so important! We need to eliminate them from our responses.

“Well, at least…”
“You should be thankful that..”
“Some people never even get to______, you should _____”
You are wrong to feel ____”
“Lots of people have to go through this, what is the problem?”
“I know JUST how you feel…”
“Why don’t you just ______?”
“Suck it up…”

We don’t know the whole story.

The one hurting has likely tried to convince themselves of these platitudes many times, but they didn’t alleviate the pain.

What are they left with? A big ol’ dose of shame. For not being able to talk themselves out of suffering.

Comforting someone starts with patience

We don’t know the backstory when people are hurting.

Like the Titanic, the grieving we see on the surface is only the tip of the depth of someone’s suffering.

Are there abandonment issues that make saying goodbye hard? (me, me!)
Are there relational issues that feel unsettled with someone is left?
Did the person get to say goodbye in a way that expressed their love?
What are the triggers that a person might have to encounter daily that inflame their hurt?
Could there be mental health issues that exacerbate their sadness? Anxiety? Clinical depression? ( you can read more on hope for depression here, here, and here)

Let’s give people the benefit of the doubt, and instead assume that their grief is well-founded. Simply because that is what they feel!

We can ditch ANY assumptions, or pressure to feel that we need to make them feel better.

As long as we don’t unintentionally make them feel worse. That shame of not being able to shake off sorrow is a heavy weight to bear. So, what can we do instead that is helpful?

Comforting words for someone who is hurting

Keep it simple.

We can let go of any responsibility to “do”, except to offer space to express their hurts.

To offer a hug, and comfort with things like:

That is really hard
This clearly hurts your heart
I care about this because you do
I’m sorry you hurt
How can I help?

Often, these compassionate phrases invite emotional rest to those afflicted with sorrow.

When we come gently alongside someone in their suffering, we don’t minimize the issue at hand. We just give them a loving hand to hold. An ear to hear. A heart to care.

In my story, my grandson gave me a reason to fight, when my health was so severely impacted, I wondered if I could go on. There are many other factors that play into my sorrow about my family moving far away…not the least of which is saying goodbye to his mama ♥.

True comfort when people are hurting

Those 8 things above NOT to say? I’ve tried them all, but they didn’t heal the pain (though they did increase the shame!) There is so much more I keep private when the tears fall, and my shoulders shake with uncontrollable weeping.

However, even in the hurt? There is hope. Whether the suffering seems valid or not in “our” limited perspective? Let us remember there is a depth of extended roots to their troubles we’ll never know.

And that is ok! Not our job, but we CAN remind people that our hope comes from the one who does know the measure of our pain, Jesus.