How to love your husband when they have nothing left to give

Sometimes loving our spouse takes great effort. The fairy tales just feel a bit dry.

My husband had struggled in a difficult time for several years. Not that he hadn’t found joy in his home life, but his career has held profound personal disappointment.

A hard place to be in.

On one hand, humble gratitude to have a job when many don’t. There is no job security in his world, so he doesn’t take this lightly.

On the other hand, much of his perceived self-value comes from the work of his hands.

That work has been life stealing instead of satisfaction giving.

Our value does not lie in what we “do” in our lives. We know God has a perfect plan for us, don’t we?

How do I show my unconditional love to my husband?

In the darkest moments of the journey don’t we sometimes whimper a question to God? I did.

Shame filled me as I told God that my dear husband didn’t see evidence of that plan. I couldn’t see it in his life either.

In those moments, I doubted. What if my husband couldn’t see his value through God’s eyes? I worried.

Tragic.

God can handle our doubt. Our questions. Our fears. He offers countless words speaking to us, comforting us, teaching us to follow Him even when nothing makes sense.

He spoke to me in that moment of my shame and said,

“I show your husband love and joy every day through you.  You are my love to this child of mine!”

That, my sisters, is humbling. We are a gift to our spouse every day.

In the Godless places where many of us work, it offers a beating, but…not destruction.

 

9 Practical ways to love your spouse

• Don’t complain about his job to him. Boy, have I had to learn this the hard way. Put yourself in your husband’s shoes and imagine the stressors of providing for his family. Now imagine our complaints on top of that. This is a top way to create a peaceful home by simply biting our tongues. “Words kill, words give life; they’re poison or fruit—you choose” Proverbs 18:21
• Exhibit extra patience. He might not be able to see your needs clearly. Extend grace
• Ask trusted friends to pray. Isaiah 26:3 promises that God “…will keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on God…”Pray for a right state of mind.
• Save money when possible. This alone helps relieve a bit of pressure, especially when you are facing uncertainty in the family income. It comforts our spouse to know they can trust us to make the money go further, and respect the boundaries of the budget
• Work to not take it personally if he is distracted. Likely, he truly does care about your needs, but sometimes marriage requires we give when we don’t feel we have much left to offer. Just a little more might be the words that provide hope to stand against despair
• Encourage with short texts or emails. A scripture, a love note, just a smile emoticon. Anything to remind him that he matters to us. And even more importantly, this can remind him how much he matters to God. These are impactful distractions
• Keep the joy alive in the home. Another thing my husband appreciated was that the house was kept nicely and things were in order for a peaceful evening. Do what you can! Don’t make this a burden upon yourself. My girls are getting older so this was easier; when they were younger we made a game of picking up before Daddy got home. This isn’t something he demanded, far from it. It is a gift that I can give to him. One of the few things I can offer him to counter the chaos in his work world
• Be his wife. It is easy to get caught up in our multiple life roles. Find joy in your relationship
• Remember, this is a season. Some seasons bring peace and some bring troubles. All bring growth and opportunity to love each other richly. There is fruit to be had even in our winters

Since we became one when we married, we agreed to share each other’s burdens.

We might feel the joy of life, but it is incomplete if our partner suffers. (Hope At Home has great insight here about this)

 

How to love your husband biblically

Pray for him (and your own comfort too!) 1 Peter 3:1 reminds us that our husbands are influenced more by our loving actions than our repeated words.

Does this feel like too much pressure for you to handle?

I get it, truly. It isn’t easy when our plates are already full to add this monumental mindset to the list. However, there is little else more important.

We can turn to God who asks us to trust in Him with all our heart, not leaning on our own understanding. Stand strong then, boldly praying.

Psalm 34:4 shares the heart of David who knew troubles, “I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.”

God will deliver us as well. The change we need may be just around the corner

The courage we need is already in us. We are more than conquerors!

What is one thing you’ve learned from dark times in your marriage, that might encourage someone else?

*** UPDATE- We are now in this place again, as my husband lost his job as the company folds. Even though it is hard, I am still trying to love my husband with all my might…regardless of what I get in return. Marriage is full of opportunities to look past ourselves and keep giving when the other has nothing left to offer. Easy? Not even a little. Worth it? 100 x yes!

Marriage resources to encourage:

• How You Can Survive When They’re Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout

• What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions 

• I Love You More Wall Art

• The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective
• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
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