One common challenge is the frustration in finding true friends. Authentic relationships. My friend Ally King from The Modern Mary knows that it takes a bit of effort to create that circle. But it is so attainable! She has graciously hopped over to share some AWESOME and practical wisdom for finding meaningful community! I just know you’ll love this post…
Friendship has been on my heart and mind a lot over the past few years. You see, making friends has always come pretty easy to me—it’s keeping them that is the struggle. Our little family has done a lot of moving around and nothing stops a friendship in its tracks like packing up and moving out of town.
Now that we know for sure that this is where God wants us—we are staying put. Planting roots. Making friends. Keeping friends.
So how do you do that? How do you get beyond the small talk? How do you let down your walls and allow people to get to know the REAL you?
Um—first, let me say that I am not an expert. I was praying in the shower this morning for some guidance regarding a few real-life friendships of my own, and God gave me such clarity that I just have to share it with you.
The secret to making friends—is making TIME for making friends
Look, we are all busy—it’s just a fact of life.
But we have to stop saying, “I don’t have time for that.”
Seriously.
We all have the same amount of hours in a day. YOU are the one who determines how those hours are spent. Clearly, some of them are spent for us (ya know…kids and jobs and stuff) but not every hour is spoken for right out of the gate.
Don’t want to take time away from your family? I get that—that’s why my family has been making an effort to have other families into our home. You can all enjoy a meal together and then the kids can go off and play and the adults can have coffee and get to know each other better.
You might only have 10 minutes in bed before your eyes slam shut—use a few of those to text a friend and ask her how her day is going.
Sitting in the pickup line at school? Call a friend—and freak her out—because who really calls anyone anymore?!
Do not let the lie of “too busy” be the thing that keeps you from forming deep friendships.
There is not a program, event or ministry that can make friends for you.
Each time we moved to a new town or state, we took advantage of the programs and ministries offered in the local churches; so I am in no way slamming church programming.
MOPS groups, women’s Bible studies, church-wide picnics, and any other program you can imagine—they have a valuable purpose—they provide the environment to meet people who are also looking to meet people.
How to keep friends
But here is what they DON’T do—they don’t make friends FOR you.
These events might be the equivalent of speed dating—you go in and you meet a whole bunch of people but you only trade numbers with the ones you clicked with.
Don’t let it end there. You gotta do the work. You have to follow up. You have to be committed.
It can be awkward.
But it’s worth it.
You are not alone in your loneliness
“A true friend loves regardless of the situation, and a real brother exists to share the tough times.” –Proverbs 17:17 (The Voice)
In each of my circles—both online and in real life—women are lonely and desperate for meaningful, deep friendships. We were raised to be “independent women” who don’t need anyone. We can do it all by ourselves. Girl Power!
You guys, I am going to share something so powerful with you that was shared with me at a women’s retreat last year.
There is freedom to be found in the “me too”
What I mean by that is when you are going through something; whether it be something serious like an illness or something less serious like having a toddler (ha!), and you say it out loud and another woman says, “ME TOO”
It’s like an instant connection.
“You have aging parents who need daily care? ME TOO”
“You suffer from seasonal depression? ME TOO”
“You have a teenager who won’t speak to you? ME TOO”
“You hate all social interaction? ME TOO”
“You yell at your kids too much!? ME TOO”
When you hear the, “ME TOO” from another person—it allows a little piece of your wall to come down.
Shame and embarrassment can always be found in the darkness, my friends. And when you start to shine the light on them—the light of truth and love and ME TOO—the shame, guilt, and loneliness that has been festering in the secrets will begin to melt away.
You aren’t alone.
It’s easy to get all twisted up and isolate yourself because you feel like you’re the only one going through this thing.
But you’re not.
So be vulnerable. Share something about yourself that you have been keeping inside. Give another woman the chance to say the magic words to you, “ME TOO!”
Invite people into your mess to build friendships
Ok, it’s going to get scary.
You are going to need to invite people into your home.
And I don’t mean the home that you spent 3 days cleaning.
I am talking about your lived-in and loved-in house.
The house with dishes in the sink and papers piled high on the counters. The house with an unpainted entryway and scratched floors—where toys are scattered throughout.
That’s the house I want to go into—where I can wear my comfy clothes and put my feet up and feel right at home.
The house that isn’t faking perfection so I don’t have to fake it either.
But please—always clean your bathrooms. That’s my rule at least—considering I am the mom of 3 young boys. Ha!
“Most of all, love each other steadily and unselfishly, because love makes up for many faults. Show hospitality to each other without complaint. Use whatever gift you’ve received for the good of one another so that you can show yourselves to be good stewards of God’s grace in all its varieties.” -1 Peter 4:8-10 (The Voice)
Now get out there and find the people who will support you and be real with you. Maybe you already know them, but now you just need to be vulnerable with them.
Go get your “ME TOO” moment!
You got this.
Ally blogs at The Modern Mary. She loves to read, write, pray, study the Bible, doodle, and watch TV—sometimes all at the same time! She has a passion for helping and encouraging others to find their identity in Christ through focused prayer and by keeping a Prayer Journal. Ally is on a journey to be more like Mary and less like Martha—to keep life simple! She stays busy by leading Bible study and homeschooling her 3 young boys.
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Thank you Ally for this challenging post. It is easy to meet people. Getting to the level of deep friendships takes more commitment. As a person who has also moved around a lot and someone who takes a few years to get to this level in my friendships I have been in the position many times of having to leave a friend I was just getting to know. I need to be more vulnerable, to trust more and get there faster…so I can enjoy the friendship for a bit longer!
great article! friendship is a passion of mine too. i can so affirm the “me too!” thought. let’s do more of it. and i also think that making time, taking time, choosing relationship over other stuff is paramount to having and keeping friends. and i see so many women so busy with life without friends, never taking the time for anyone outside their immediate family. it makes me sad.
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing! I love how you bring up we need to make time for friendships. It is so very true. A lot of the time I struggle with that and think “Oh I really don’t have time to make that commitment.” Then a month later I am feeling sad I don’t have many friends. I have to remember to make time.
This is THE best post I’ve read in years! Thanks!!!! I really needed this practical information and encouragement to get out there. If not for me, then for my daughter who could use a better example. I woke up a few hours ago and through prayer realized that I’ve been jealous of others’ friendships and the loneliness I see in my daughter can also be found in me. I’ve used my kids and husband as an excuse for way too long. I cannot thank you enough! God bless you!
Ally really put together an awesome piece her, I agree! What a blessing to hear about your journey, and the positive twist it is taking. God bless you!
Thank you Ally for this challenging post. It is easy to meet people. Getting to the level of deep friendships takes more commitment. As a person who has also moved around a lot and someone who takes a few years to get to this level in my friendships I have been in the position many times of having to leave a friend I was just getting to know. I need to be more vulnerable, to trust more and get there faster…so I can enjoy the friendship for a bit longer!
Yes Ally! You offered such wisdom, and I loved the practical steps women can use right away! Thank you Ruth for reading today 🙂
great article! friendship is a passion of mine too. i can so affirm the “me too!” thought. let’s do more of it. and i also think that making time, taking time, choosing relationship over other stuff is paramount to having and keeping friends. and i see so many women so busy with life without friends, never taking the time for anyone outside their immediate family. it makes me sad.
I hear you Gail, we can’t have it both ways. Busy will not equal margin to develop those great friendships
This is beautiful! Thank you so much for sharing! I love how you bring up we need to make time for friendships. It is so very true. A lot of the time I struggle with that and think “Oh I really don’t have time to make that commitment.” Then a month later I am feeling sad I don’t have many friends. I have to remember to make time.
This is THE best post I’ve read in years! Thanks!!!! I really needed this practical information and encouragement to get out there. If not for me, then for my daughter who could use a better example. I woke up a few hours ago and through prayer realized that I’ve been jealous of others’ friendships and the loneliness I see in my daughter can also be found in me. I’ve used my kids and husband as an excuse for way too long. I cannot thank you enough! God bless you!
Ally really put together an awesome piece her, I agree! What a blessing to hear about your journey, and the positive twist it is taking. God bless you!