If you Google this phrase, over 11 MILLION hits come up, debating who is right or wrong when it comes to Career Moms vs. Stay At Home Moms (SAHM).

Frankly, the whole concept leaves me saddened.

Women defending their choice, slamming down those mothers who do it, well, wrong.

We turn on each other instead of lifting each other up. We become our own enemy.

 Instead of gaining any ground, all Mommy Wars do is leave a trail of wounded warriors. 

SAHM vs working mom

Let’s challenge a sampling of some common assumptions:

WORKING MOMS: appear to identify with power or a career, take satisfaction in providing for self or maybe just working to make ends meet. Some feel judged by their SAHM peers as being poor mothers.

Pros- increased income, validated for work. Cons– missing time with kids can’t be made up,  quality time doesn’t always equal quantity. Sometimes working moms are perceived as looking down on SAHMs as less than, or with jealousy. They feel defensive.

STAY AT HOME MOMS: appear to identify with the value of being a mother and wife as a lifestyle.  Some feel judged and defensive, feeling Working Moms think they aren’t working hard enough!

Pros- can address family issues as they happen, more time with kids, flexibility. Cons-  loss of second income.  Some look down on working moms as cheating their kids, power-hungry. They feel defensive.

I see a common theme there. Over my 18 years as a mom, I’ve frequently heard both “sides” defensively state their position.

Respect “Stay at home” moms and “working” moms

Did you know the word defensive means resisting attack?

I’ve done both. Largely SAHM, by choice, and worked. Listen, it is OK to have our own opinions. We are not all called to the same exact cookie-cutter life.

I happen to believe in the value of staying at home to raise my kids. But let me be clear…it is not without sacrifice.

I have had a friend sarcastically tell me, “It must be nice to stay home with your kids. Some of us don’t have that luxury!”

It hurt.

We are all working moms

We don’t have vacations, fancy cars, new clothes, etc. Our kids did without, but they also came away with tremendous family security. Joy at being a strong part of our particular family!

Staying at home with my kids is not without sacrifice. Time, finances, career…but for me, the value far outweighs the negatives. I am passionate about my lifestyle, but…

 Putting each other down gets us nowhere. 

Let me never become self-righteous about it though. It is a privilege, bottom line, to get to stay home on one income no matter the sacrifice.

I am constantly grateful. I know plenty of moms would love to trade places. I care for them and their hearts.

We can accept our differences and lift each other up as women. Sisters doing the best they can, with the same goals via different paths!

There is nothing gained by being right fighters in this war.  Because honestly?

We probably already really, really, really believe that our reasons are the best for our family. Maybe for all families.

But here is what we need to remember… we never know all the details. They don’t know ours, we don’t know theirs.

We have enough challenges in our lives without feeling attacked by other women.

Moms are amazing

It is 24/7 for moms. Period.

We have more in common than we realize! We love our families, we want what’s best for our kids.

I don’t need to approve of a women’s choice to work, she doesn’t need to approve of my choice to live my path.

We are never going to all agree, but we don’t need to take each other down along the way.

Let’s drop the defenses and picked up the wounded in our path. What kind of comments make you feel defensive about your parenting?

Resources to encourage you

• Messy Beautiful Friendship: Finding and Nurturing Deep and Lasting Relationships
• Midnight Mom Devotional: 365 Prayers to Put Your Momma Heart to Rest
• Not Just A Mom: The Extraordinary Worth of Motherhood & Homemaking 
• The Good Enough Mom
• Guilt-Free Mommy: Insights and Tools to Overcome Mommy Guilt
• Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff for Moms: Simple Ways to Stress Less and Enjoy Your Family More
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