Parenting fails don't make you a failure

Parenting fails don’t make you a failure

Every day countless women grade themselves as a mother. All of their actions, missteps, blowups, good intentions, and tireless efforts all scored up into a “mom” grade. You too have had days when you felt like a parental loser.

The good news? When you fail as a mother, you are not a failure.

How do I know with such certainty that you are doing better than you know? I’ve been there, am there and will be again…even with grown children.

When I became a mother, I determined to do it all well.

I read the books, studied the magazines, and what felt more important? I determined, by grit or might, to be the best mom I could be. To be frank, perfect.

My goals were seemingly simple:

to raise decent human beings who valued honesty, kindness and empathy for others
to instill a good work ethic
to have a relationship with God all the days of their lives, and to see them never forsake Him

Oh, and one more thing, I wanted them to love me as much as I loved them. All. The. Time.

Most of those are ok, but that last one? Complicated.

What to do when you have failed as a parent?

The waters get murky here. When a few hard seasons hit our family, my confidence in our happy and devoted and safe home felt shattered. I “failed” and it nearly destroyed me.

My value was too wrapped up in what kind of mother I was. My world was shattered when the glass of dreams was shattered by the sharp edges of humanity sneaking in.

The slippery slope of grading myself as a mother took over, and it was a feeling of despair.

I loved them with all my heart, but for the first time questioned how they felt about me. That my friends, allowing those dangerous lies in, holds our head under the dark and suffocating waves of shame.

All my skillsets of being a good mom were floating around as if I was underwater, drowning. Able to see them, but not grasp onto the truth for all of my desperate reaches.

I did all the things wrong because my emotions were hijacked and I was not prepared.

You too have days where you are floating in seas of despair with no islands of hope in sight. Blaming yourself for things that were not your burdens to carry. Comparing yourself to others who seem to have it all together (but truly have the same struggles behind closed doors).

You too have all the love for your children, but question how they could possibly love a mama with a failing grade.

Listen, please, with all your heart to this one thing– …you are grading yourself MUCH too harshly. Without grace, without self-compassion, with an unrelenting judgment of all you THINK you did wrong. You are imperfect, so what!

(Read what God says about the times we feel like a bad mom on P31)

Mom fails don’t add to to a mom failure

What we miss when we judge ourselves too critically…

Grab yourself a pencil and paper. It is important to really see what we think. Make a list of one thing you did REALLY well so far in your parenting journey.

If you can’t think of something on your own, ask someone else for their honest assessment.

Remember, when we get caught on believing we are failing, sometimes we are blind to the awesome gift we give on the regular.

Add another column and gently (for not a mother alive is perfect, remember…that is ok!) record an area that could have been better. Do you have a bad temper, stinging sarcastic tone, lack of _______?

Whatever it is, there is room for change.

I didn’t fail as a mother

The one thing I did right:

I studied my children and it was the best investment of time. I knew what made them tick, afraid, honest or prone to hide. What made them laugh and feel wild abandon, and how our family was a refuge.

Becoming a student of each child allowed me to accommodate their needs during changing seasons.

The thing I did wrong:

There should have been more time studying myself. Yet, that was so very complicated and came with scary baggage. I’d have seen that it was GOOD to be devoted and invested in these children. Yet…

It was not good to attach my worth or value to one part of my person, motherhood.

Because of that, it made me question my impact as a parent. Could they love an imperfect mother who desperately loved them?

How would you rate yourself as a mother?

Honestly. Sure take a few points if you feel the need to off the top for __________.

Now in a more neutral perspective, give yourself points for all the good. There is so, so much more than you likely give yourself credit for.

Was I a perfect mom? Nope. Never will be. Regardless.. .this is what I know to be true:

I was a mother who tried her best, and gave it her all. Every single day. Some days sucked, but I picked up and kept trying.

These kids spent an amazing amount of time with mommy, and they loved it all. It was safe, fun, and encouraging.

I had the trust of my girls, and they knew I had their back, 100%. I did my best to teach them about God: his character, his promises, his love.

Does mom guilt make us feel we fail as a mother?

I myself was learning as I went, but oh…how I wanted to make it all wonderful. Perfect.

To raise girls who wanted to live by me and we’d have family dinners, and I would still be relevant in their lives today. That was my dream.

These girls are young women who have different dreams! Big, exciting, independent and their own… mama isn’t so relevant now.

These girls also know that I’ll always be there for them, always. They are loved, wanted, valued in the eyes of their parents. And they are free. To just be themselves.

So my guilty worst mom ever feelings…where do they fit in? The answer is nowhere. Glean the wisdom of a lesson learned and dump the rest. Forever.

You can be an imperfect mom and not be a failure

You see God allowed all circumstances to happen for His understood reasons. They formed us, my children and I, further and developed a necessary trust walk.

It was impossible to be a perfect mom, but that was never required. It was a wonderful life in spite of, and because of, having me as their mother. That goes for you too!

Your flaws, real or perceived, don’t erase the awesomeness of YOU. Being a mother, as AMAZING as it is, does not singularly define you.

There is no pass/fail in motherhood unless you stop trying. When you fail as a mother, YOU are not a failure. I believe in you.

Do me a favor today and share this where another woman will know she is doing a good and imperfect job too!