5 ways to stop being a people pleaser

I am a natural people pleaser.

That wonderful title allows us to love on others like crazy; genuine in our desire to make their lives better. To make the world a more beautiful, comfortable place to be.

People pleasers sense needs and swoop in to fill them.

Unfortunately, sometimes this comes at a high cost. Because you can’t please everybody.

It just isn’t possible, and definitely not worth attempting.

P.P. absorb the guilt others try to dump on them, and can be culpable of heaping it onto others.  As my pastor says, “Here comes the throat punch”, but hang with me a sec…

 

Is being a people pleaser bad?

When our desire to fix things hinders the path of our own life? It is time to refuse to accept the junk that comes our way. Namely, guilt.

Years ago, I apparently was trying to guilt someone into doing something. I don’t remember the details, but I DO remember them saying, “Sorry, I don’t do guilt.”

Those five words altered the course of my life.  Seriously.

Prior to that brave soul speaking up, I was totally unaware of two things:

One, that I tried to give guilt trips to others

Two, that I had any choice over receiving the guilt others tried to lay on me!

Wowza. That hit me hard, and forced me to begin what has been years of changing my perception of what is acceptable for me to give— and as importantly, if not more, what is acceptable for me to receive.

Upending the habits that guide our behaviors is hard work! But guilt trips require immediate intervention. Change is necessary.

It is a worthwhile investment of our time. There is freedom around the corner for those who are willing to take a real assessment of our own role regarding guilt.

 

How do I stop being a people pleaser?

I don’t “do” guilt anymore, and you shouldn’t either. Today is the day of freedom.  Guilt is a powerplay, but the real power lies in authenticity. 

So how can we stop being people pleasers (read the signs here) and start refusing guilt trips? Here are a few tips I’ve learned along the way:

1. Analyze the words people speak. Are they making a sincere request that seems reasonable, or trying to get us to do the work they are just uninterested in? Make decisions based on the real intent behind the language
2. Reflect on our heart issues. Why do we want to please people in the first place? If it is about loving others and wanting to help them, purely because we are capable and desirous of helping? If so, do it! With joy!  But if we are doing something because we feel that we “should”…those are the warning bells to listen for. Should is an unreasonable taskmaster
3. Set personal boundaries. People pleasers tend to have kind hearts and struggle with disappointing people. Learn to say no. A hard truth is that there are people who will just take advantage of our hearts repeatedly without some clear boundaries. Saying NO when the time isn’t right for us, is a powerful weapon. This one can be really, really uncomfortable…but I promise it gets easier as your confidence builds. You’ll enjoy saying YES to the things that are what you are passionate about
4. Temper boundaries with grace. People generally don’t intend to make others feel bad. We all come from a unique set of circumstances that influence how we respond to each other. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt when we set those boundaries
5. Check yourself on the guilt-o-meter for unwanted dumping.   Unfortunately, we can get in the habit of speaking guilt trips over others. It stings to admit this. Nothing builds up our deflection of guilt darts, like our refusal to send them out. This takes practice, but it is essential for making a clean break with guilt

The danger of being a people pleaser

Primarily, the goal post always risks being moved. People are fickle, and when you allow others to define “pleased”, it can border on codependency.

It is a powerful thing to own the phrase “I don’t do guilt.”

Although difficult to hear at the time, it has given me such confidence moving ahead in life. Guilt tries to sneak in sometimes, but ladies?

We. don’t. have.time.for. guilt.

You, yes YOU, are made for me. A woman with power and purpose and potential.

A unique creation of God’s special design.

Let’s move forward with the joy that comes from living our journey, without the noose of expectations.

If this helped you today, will you do me a favor and share it? Let’s kick guilt out the door. Thank you!

Resources to help you:

Lies Women Believe: And the Truth that Sets Them Free

The People Pleaser’s Guide to Loving Others without Losing Yourself 

Boundaries: when to say yes, how to say no to take control of your life

Codependent no more

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