The Secrets To Fighting Fair In Marriage

The Secrets To Fighting Fair In Marriage

How often have these words have ever come from our mouths?

You always do ____________.

You never care about _______________ .

Why can’t you just do ___________???

Dangerous statements. Inaccurate.

But these lies were regularly shouted about in my first ten years of marriage. The first decade was spent with countless fits of yelling, cursing, door slamming, worse. Times we’d rather forget.

But we can’t forget, can we?

These times are being redeemed

When we started to learn about God, and his design for our relationship, nothing changed at first. The ideas were completely foreign to us, and frankly, ridiculous.

Notions of loving with a servant’s heart, denying pride, the list grew.

The last 15 years have been a different story. Every biblical truth we learned to practice has powerfully changed our hearts. Our marriage.

 Even knowing Scripture, doesn’t mean fights won’t happen, that tempers won’t flare. Go armed into battle with a plan.  (Check out Sunshyne Gray’s rules here)

Philippians 4:8-9 (Message): Summing it all up, friends, I’d say you’ll do best by filling your minds and meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious—the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned from me, what you heard and saw and realized. Do that, and God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies.

When you are arguing with your spouse:

• Winning isn’t everything. In fact, it isn’t worth anything. Not in marriage

• Husbands, it is important for you to lead your family. Your wife may never have seen an example of that in her life, give her grace while she learns that you want to protect her. While she comprehends you don’t intend to squash her desires. And men? Please, don’t take advantage of God’s design for your marriage to control things. True leading is sacrificial, not superior. Prayer is essential in leadership

• Women, remember that leading may be totally new to your husband. It is possible he didn’t have an example to follow. Extend grace while he learns what a true leader looks like. And why let him lead anyway? What an archaic idea, we are taught. The idea is old, it is as old as time. God’s design started with the husband. But that isn’t the only reason. When we learn to let go a bit, to allow someone else to be in charge…there is peace ladies. Comfort can be found with someone else shouldering the load. This concept has become foreign in our modern culture. There is a slow revival. Throwing out the dictator/subject picture leaves room for a surprising peace of mind when we let go of trying to always lead our men

An extra personal note on this point- I understand the opposition to submitting to men’s leadership. The historical context that made women balk, running as far from submission as possible. I was that woman, married to a man who agreed. He didn’t want to “lead”, he wanted a partner. 

That is the context these ideas root from, the incredible change in our marriage is a result of giving God’s word a chance…and shutting out all opposition that said these old school values had zero merit.

• ” Right” fighting risks aligning with pride. Let’s be honest, we KNOW we are right a lot of the time. We are, and it is frustrating and infuriating to let someone else trump an argument when they are wrong. But…you know how sometimes we are sure we are right, and later it turns out we weren’t?  Give your spouse the benefit of the doubt

When it is beyond an argument, and tempers are dangerously high:

*Remember that Kenny Rogers song? You gotta know when to fold ‘em.   This is so applicable in marriage. Learn when to walk away. So many of us have the same 2-3 arguments that come up repeatedly over the years. Agree to disagree and move on.

This feels impossible, doesn’t it? We want to get that last word in.  As if it will somehow convince them that we were right all along? It won’t. And this strife isn’t benefiting either person.

*Practice compassion. This is the toughest part of all. Where we get an opportunity to really put Jesus’ teaching into practice. The last thing we want to do when our mind is spewing hatred and our eyes are shooting daggers towards our spouse is to love them. Truly, tangibly, love them.

Fighting fairly in relationships

First, try to imagine your spouse as vulnerable. Hurting. They might not be acting like it, but they are. One thing that has helped me in this is two simple photos. Pictures of my husband and I as young children. I look at those faces and remember who those kids were, the insecurities and pains they carry. It has changed the way I love. It sounds simplistic, I know. But sometimes the easiest ideas are. And it has worked.

Second, purpose to serve your spouse. When you least feel like it. When we can pull this off, it is nothing short of amazing. We all want to be heard, right? To be acknowledged? When we sincerely develop a practice (not a one-time gig) of surprising our spouse with blessings during these difficult times, hearts can soften. Relationships can change.

But let’s be real. I would guess a majority of us didn’t learn to fight well before we married. What was the most destructive communication challenge you had to unlearn?

P.S. While I am clearly a big advocate for working out your marriage (I’ve seen amazing turnaround on the impossible-seeming situation!)  that doesn’t mean this advice applies to ALL marriages.  If you are married to someone who abuses you, whether physically, psychologically, or emotionally? Get help, and if you need to, please  get out for your safety ♥

Great resources on marriage:

• What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions 
• The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective
• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs
• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage 
• To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother 
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