What is true love in a relationship? A reality check

What is true love in a relationship? A reality check

I recently read bitter and calloused words that downplay anything special about love. Very bah humbug.

Let’s consider a reality check about what true love really is. My romance has little that would equate it with what we see in movies or read in books.

My husband doesn’t buy into all the commercial stuff either. He doesn’t buy into “romance” all. He doesn’t open my car door and seldom buys flowers. They are impractical.

Sometimes I sigh dramatically feigning painful disappointment.

Yet…he gives me a much greater gift…all he has…every day of his life. Every day.

We could have been voted the couple least likely to succeed, but God had other plans. (Especially since we’ve been together since our teens, check out our first date below from many decades ago!)

We have very little in common actually, we are wildly different in every way. Except one. We are both committed to our marriage.

What does love look like in long-term marriage?

I look at my man today, while we play games with our kids and see the effects of time and gravity on his beautiful face. Small wrinkles forming in front of his ears, brilliant strands of gray lacing his brown hair, and hints of years without sunscreen making themselves known.

And he is beautiful, perfect.

He sees me and no doubt sees the creases under my cheeks and the deep laugh lines around my eyes. They are still wrinkles.  My silver hair is under every root, colored by boxes. The scar that runs between my eyes from skin cancer doesn’t show in my man’s eyes.

He sees beautiful.

We remember the faces of youth that we possessed, and in a way, we still see those kids. In the eyes, in our expressions. We see a bigger picture, the person that makes up our chosen spouse.

We see beautiful.

The importance of love in marriage that accepts “what is”

My husband tends to me carefully, always watching for signs that I am not being honest about my life with physical pain, he rushes to fill in the gaps-just in case.

My man of few words shows me in countless ways that love isn’t played out like romantic movies.

Real love is choosing to forgive impulsive angry words, another week that I didn’t clean the bathroom, spending more money than we had and testing all of his sound advice against learning the hard way.

There is no more grudge-holding, there is always forgiveness.

It is beautiful.

He doesn’t ask me why I was skinny the first year we were together and why I fought my weight for the next 25. He doesn’t comment on my ever-expanding, ever-diminishing waistline or the havoc left behind from self-abuse.

He reaches and hugs me and sighs with delight. The kind only years of marriage can produce, the celebration of wars won and the peacetime that follows.

This is beautiful.

True love doesn’t expect anything in return except love

On my “off days” when the pain in my body makes it hard to move at all, he never asks, What about dinner? Why didn’t you pick up my dry cleaning? What about my needs?

He never asks me anything at all. He assesses me and instead insists I stop– stop the rushing and the doing and gives me a reality check that those things aren’t urgent.

He doesn’t make fun of my morning hair that might stay that way until the next morning. He gets my heating pads and water and loves me through action.

It is beautiful.

This husband of mine loves his children with the same devotion. This man brings silly into our house on a daily basis, recognizing the power it has within this life.

He gives me the gift of knowing my precious girls are just as precious in their Daddy’s hearts. And I rest easy. ‘

Daddy is beautiful.

True love can still have heroes

My man of few words sometimes makes me nutty, with my intense desire to talk the whole world out in detail.

He smiles at me and tells me things all work out. And I smile, because for my entire adult life he has heroically done everything he can to make that so.

My hero is beautiful.

True love in marriage is better than a fairy tale.

True love doesn’t mean everything is perfect

Real love is about imperfect living and relationship

It involves many failures between us, except for the failure of giving up. It is being disappointed in each other and then stopping to count the million blessings so we walk away grateful instead of dejected.

It is having the one person who is so honest it hurts (accusingly saying WHAT did you have for lunch? Dang, garlic!) And then hugging each other for dear life anyway. Because stink doesn’t stop the gift. Who else besides this kind of partner can we develop absolute trust in?

It is sticking with your partner through pains caused by others that are so deep you have no clue how to fix them. You just stay and don’t  walk away.

Nothing can bring a real sense of security into the home except true love- Billy Graham

True love is demonstrated in this man who will color my hair because my arms hurt to lift and not feel his manhood is in question. He will carefully scrutinize every box of tampons in the store without shame, knowing there is one brand his wife prefers.

He washes dishes every night because real men aren’t afraid of what others might think. Real men love their wives in the ways that make them feel precious, treasured.

Service to each other is beautiful.

Fairy tales aren’t necessarily true love

My fairy tale dreams are nothing like true love. They are less than.

My true love? He thinks I am the best wife ever, that he hit the jackpot despite my countless flaws. Even not knowing which wife he’ll get that day.

It isn’t that he is blind to them; he chooses to see the bigger picture of a woman crazy in love with him. That jumps up every time she hears his car arrive home at night, anticipating seeing his smile.

The one reserved just for me, that without doubt, I know nobody else saw that day.

It is for his beloved. It is beautiful.

Long-lasting proof of true love against the odds

Listen, I see what real love is NOT in marriage every day, everywhere. This is attainable when two people want it enough.

We are living proof.

Did you know that this day of romance actually dates back many centuries, connected with a Christian martyr?

The Roman Emperor Claudius banned marriage among young people. Valentine believed marriage was a God-given right, a sacrament, and did it in secret until discovered.

It was long after we married that we discovered faith again, heard about biblical marriage, and started learning its principles.  They kept ups going when we were weary of the effort.

The best gift we give is ourselves

Hallmark may be raking in the $ on cards, flower growers might finally be earning a decent profit, and strawberry growers rejoicing with a buyer for their crops. I say good for them.

None of that is what it’s about, not what it could be about.

This man demonstrates to me what real love in marriage looks like every single day of his life. He won’t do all the “romantic” stuff, not his style. He thinks it’s dumb.

But he gives me something better. Himself.

True love is beautiful. What was the biggest surprise to you about what real love actually is?

Great resources on marriage:

• What’s It Like to Be Married to Me?: And Other Dangerous Questions 
• The Excellent Wife: A Biblical Perspective
• Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs

• ArtPix 3D Crystal Photo

• Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage 
• To Love, Honor, and Vacuum: When You Feel More Like a Maid Than a Wife and Mother 
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