Discussing finances with my husband today, he told me to use money from my envelopes for an upcoming trip.
Cash out.
I felt really uncomfortable, and more so when he confronted me with hoarding money. Which I denied, then I cried.
Because it is sort of true. I don’t have piles of cash between my mattresses, or coffee cans of cash in the pantry. You won’t find hidden bills between my books or secret savings accounts.
I keep my hoard in a small pocketbook of envelopes. And when I say hoard, I mean like a few $20s here and an extra $10 there.
When he confronted me with spending the cash I already have, well, I burst into tears.
That, my friends, is totally out of character for me. I didn’t WANT to use that cash.
But why?
Fear of going broke
It took me by surprise. And I didn’t like what I was realizing.
I wanted to take money out of the bank, where it felt like “extra” than using my carefully planned out bills.
I was putting too much stock in my cash. My husband hugged me and reminded me we’ve always had enough.
But to me? I was slapped with the reality that years and years of being so tight with money? Well, it created a problem. The money had a hold over me.
As we pulled out the bills from my little red safety net, my anxiety escalated. I held my shirtsleeves to my eyes and cried.
I am sharing this with you because I know you have been there.
Too much of not enough can make fear grip you in unexpected places.
If I look back upon my life, I do so with delight and gratitude. Where there was not a way, we found one. Or through the graces of others, it found us.
God was always in control
Somehow though, I forgot that. When for the first time in our lives, there WERE a few extra $20’s, it felt safer to tuck them away.
Because something always comes up, am I right? You finally save a little and the car breaks down. Etc. Etc.
Let me tell you something about not enough though…
It can trick you.
How much is enough money?
I have a secret to share with you. I wouldn’t change a thing about our struggles. They have brought unexpected delight, built a strong trust in God’s providence, and demanded a creative approach to living.
Best of all, they made my husband and I allies, us against the world. Those things are worth more than money.
Fear had snuck into my life and my purse and tried to make me hang on too tight. Gripping to what doesn’t guarantee a smooth life. Can’t promise strife-free living.
We have enough money right now. And I think the relief of it, the sheer overwhelming relief of it, blinded me. It is something we’ve never known.
Not extra, not savings, not retirement…but enough. For today.
Fear of being broke doesn’t give you more money
To think that those extra bills could prevent any more problems? Dumb. We are in our 40’s now. I was doing a project today that had me pulling out old pictures. Guess what?
I can look at them and if I squint, see the remnants of not enough. And the abundance of more than we could ever ask for.
So where are YOU today? Listen, we have had what we needed, and we’ve had our utilities shut off. We’ve had new clothes and lived for years where Goodwill was all we could afford.
None of those things created or prevented our life from moving on.
There were stresses, obviously. No one would say having not enough is easy. It sucks.
BUT, and it is a big but, our attitude is what makes us have a rich life. My life is rich indeed.
Let me share a few of those pictures with you
I bet you won’t see the $ behind them, you’ll see love and a happy home
You don’t see a man who can’t find work and feels he made a grave error in life. You see a loving father having fun with his kids.
You don’t see kids who are unhappy or afraid, they felt safe and loved. Excited for each day.
You don’t see a house literally falling down around them. That quilt on the wall? It is up because the whole room was gutted and only plastic sheeting was on the studs against the outside wall.
We wanted just one pretty place to sit with our kids. So we created one. And look at those faces…
And my favorite of all time- you don’t see a man who is working 5-11 am and coming home for his wife to work 12-5.
Then he goes back to work, picking up any overtime he can. While he goes to school online. Full time. You see a man who is laughing and playing with his delighted little girls.
Joy in our family despite being broke
Listen, we’ve lived in cute little homes, and total ***tholes. And that is the truth. Know that whatever you see on this blog? I always understand something of where you have been. I get the fear you have known with money. I share the excitement of paying off one bill then another. I am just like everyone else.
That is is why I shared this rather lengthy post. I am here to encourage you. Sometimes? That is really, really uncomfortable for me.
To think though, that even one person could be uplifted by this story? It makes it worth it. Don’t give up.
Make a rich life because of your experiences, your choices. Not because of a $100 of mixed bills forming an imaginary safe place.
God has a promise for your finances
My life is my tithe, make it yours too and see what He’ll do —
Malachi 3:10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this,” says the LORD Almighty, “and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that you will not have room enough for it.
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Reading in James and was struck by this verse, “Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him?” James 2:5
Makes me wonder if our material comfort makes it tough for us to know this kind of riches.
Thanks Susan, that is some rich food for thought… I’ve observed over the years that my friends with material things and plenty of money? It didn’t buy them happiness, in fact the opposite. The more people earn even, it seems like it is too easy to be comfortable in a way that makes up miss the point. Rich in faith is a wonderful thing
“Consider the Lilies, they don’t toil or spin..” I remember collecting bottles for a few extra dollars so we could do something with the children. I remember living in a house without running water (that means no inside plumbing), and at this minute, we’re probably at the height of our comfort. When my husband finally retires in a few months, our income will drop, considerably. I have to admit, I’m a little concerned; but, it will never be as bad as it was in the beginning. And, even at that, we never knew it.
Shelley what poetic words, especially your own. It is hard to imagine life without running water, yet certainly millions know first hand. Were you aware of the hardship at the time, or was it sort of just part of the landscape of your days? Retirement is a scary idea that I can share fully with you. We aren’t there yet, but the challenges of life thus far haven’t allowed us to tackle preparations for that. I pray you will be blessed. Thank you for sharing your story
What a great reminder to keep our eyes on the Provider, instead of the provision! We, too, have experienced hard times where we were sustained by the grace of God and generosity of others. In every season, He has been faithful – and recognizing that is paramount to a rich and full life!
Reading in James and was struck by this verse, “Listen, my beloved brothers, has not God chosen those who are poor in the world to be rich in faith, and heirs of the kingdom, which he has promised to those who love him?” James 2:5
Makes me wonder if our material comfort makes it tough for us to know this kind of riches.
Thanks Susan, that is some rich food for thought… I’ve observed over the years that my friends with material things and plenty of money? It didn’t buy them happiness, in fact the opposite. The more people earn even, it seems like it is too easy to be comfortable in a way that makes up miss the point. Rich in faith is a wonderful thing
“Consider the Lilies, they don’t toil or spin..” I remember collecting bottles for a few extra dollars so we could do something with the children. I remember living in a house without running water (that means no inside plumbing), and at this minute, we’re probably at the height of our comfort. When my husband finally retires in a few months, our income will drop, considerably. I have to admit, I’m a little concerned; but, it will never be as bad as it was in the beginning. And, even at that, we never knew it.
Shelley what poetic words, especially your own. It is hard to imagine life without running water, yet certainly millions know first hand. Were you aware of the hardship at the time, or was it sort of just part of the landscape of your days? Retirement is a scary idea that I can share fully with you. We aren’t there yet, but the challenges of life thus far haven’t allowed us to tackle preparations for that. I pray you will be blessed. Thank you for sharing your story
What a great reminder to keep our eyes on the Provider, instead of the provision! We, too, have experienced hard times where we were sustained by the grace of God and generosity of others. In every season, He has been faithful – and recognizing that is paramount to a rich and full life!
Hi Naomi! Thanks for sharing, always encouraging to read another’s experience 🙂